Overcoming miscarriage isn’t something you can google. Trust me, I tried. There are no magical steps to processing the loss of someone you never had the privilege to meet. They don’t exist. I wish they did; it would make things much more straightforward.
You’d be five this month. That’s five years I’ve thought about you regularly. I wondered who you’d be, what you’d look like, if you’d have your dad’s nose, what your favorite color would be, and countless other questions. But, I do see you. I see you in your sisters. I see you when I close my eyes at night. I know you’re there watching over our family and patiently waiting until the day we can all be together.
That doesn’t make it any easier though. Even now, five years later, I still have waves of sadness. The grief that comes with losing someone you never got the chance to know is unique and only those that have experienced it can truly understand.
You feel like there’s this piece of you missing in the world, you’re never whole. But your life moves on. It goes on, and sometimes you feel like you’re standing still. Stuck. Fixated on this moment that defined you and shaped your story.
You’d think that five years later, I’d forget the face of the ultrasound tech and the doctor that was so casual. Flippant even. Her words were utterly crushing, yet she was so cold and businesslike. I remember that the walk from the office to my car was the longest of my life. My baby was dead. The baby that I had prayed for years to have was dead.
Somehow I maintained composure until I got in the car. I was alone. My husband couldn’t attend that appointment. I remember trying to get a hold of him on the aircraft carrier. I’m pretty sure the guy in charge of the phone could barely understand me. I was hysterical.
The bleeding was the worst. Flushing the toilet felt like I was flushing my baby down the drain. Where is the dignity in this death? How do you commemorate a life that was loved but not lived? How can so much pain and sadness be warranted for this person we never met?
Those are the questions I tried so hard to find the answers to but was never able to. I googled, I looked on Pinterest, I even tried Amazon.
‘Bible verses for miscarriage.’
‘Prayers for miscarriage.’
Nothing. The only thing I found was a book called: ‘After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion in Healing and Hope.’ I bought it. I did not find any comfort in its contents.
It was so hard; I wanted to lean on my faith. I tried to, but I could not find the answers to my questions or comfort in any of the scripture. So I shut down. Looking back, I question if this is what led me down the path to postpartum depression and anxiety with my other children.
As time moved on, things got better. Each day was an improvement. Overcoming miscarriage became part of the routine. We had another child, and then a second. But I still feel this enormous empty space in my heart. A piece I knew was reserved for my first baby.
Last year I stumbled upon an article about a prayer service created to bless parents after a miscarriage. Why had I never stumbled upon this in any of my searching years ago? I read it. I sent it to my mom, and she read it. It was perfect. Had I known about this five years ago, I would’ve done it in an instant.
I hope you never need this information. I pray that you don’t. But if you do, I hope you find this blessing as comforting as I do now. Make sure you check out the full prayer service Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage or Stillbirth.
soothe the hearts of ___ and ___,
and grant that through the prayers of Mary,
who grieved by the Cross of her Son,
you may enlighten their faith,
give hope to their hearts,
and peace to their lives.
There is a deep, lingering sadness that comes with losing a child you never had the chance to meet. It’s not something you ever overcome, but with time it does get better. Looking back, I wish I had known about a prayer service. It would’ve helped me process my grief and give a more concrete feeling of closure. Hopefully, by sharing my experience, I’ll help someone through the dark moments of overcoming miscarriage.
If you’re struggling with miscarriage or child loss, I want you to know you’re not alone. If you need an ear, you can always contact me. My inbox is open.
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